I would like to call to order these hearings of the Senate Medicare Oversight Subcommittee's investigation into death panels.”

“Point of order, Senator. Due to our recent member losses, we currently do not have a quorum without Senator Dean West.”

“Well, we'll begin informally without him and go on the record once he shows up. Let's start with our first witness; good morning, Dr. Trefelner. We understand that you serve as chair of the local Washington, DC, death panel.”

“Senator, there is no such thing as a death panel.”

“What . . . ? Oh, I get it. What do you call them then, quality of life panels?”

“No. We don't need euphemisms. We simply strive to provide excellent medical care.”

“OK. But what do you call them?”

“Death committees.”

“Sorry to interrupt, Senator, but we just learned that Senator West was taken to the ER last night. We are trying to find out if he'll make it in this morning.”

“You might have a long wait.”

“Pardon me, did you say something, Dr. Trefelner?”

“Senator West was . . . let go . . . last night.”

“What?”

“It was a quality of life issue.”

“Quality of life?! He was only 42. He has a wonderful wife and three beautiful children.”

“Not his quality of life, ours. His votes in Congress were adversely affecting our quality of life.”

“Doctor, I'm 89 and falling apart, so I could understand it being my time, but Dean! Dean had everything to live for. I can't believe . . . Ahhh! My chest! . . . call an ambulance.”

“Don't bother. It won't make any difference.”

“Ack! . . . ”

I was on vacation in Budapest recently and stayed in a Soviet-era Hotel, in which I am convinced Stalin personally did the interior decorating. (Why does a hotel need rooms with a drain in the floor and easy-to-hose-down walls?) But Budapest in August is so hot and humid that even the granite statues of Lenin were sweating and my hotel's air conditioning wasn't working. Having seen the movie Hostel, I was unwilling to stay at the local one, so I opted for the only other rooms available at the peak of tourist season, at the Four Seasons' Gresham Palace.